Music boxes

Music boxes
Music boxes have within melodies they carry in them, once they're open music feels the air;
Every person you have known has a song of their own, once they open up you'll hear whats there;
Every person longs to find who they are deep inside, every person yearns to know their place..."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Letting go

When we moved to the South I wasn't expecting to find lots of friends. Not that the people here aren't nice enough, just that I have my roots up north and in the U.S. also.
I knew I would find nice ladies at church and be friends with some of them... what I didn't know, was that I would meet someone not from church that would change my life.
I met this ladie in the group of ten that would start training for my new job. She and I had so much in comon... she didnt smoke; she was only three years older than me; she was married and had a 12 year old daughter and a five year old son. She was fun and carefree, and oh so wise. We always sat together, and had dinner breaks together; in two months, I had found a best friend in the South. She taught me patience, she taught me work, she taught me that life sometimes isn't fair and we have to deal with it without feeling blue all the time. Her laugh was contagious and her smile was warm. She was so family oriented, loved to have weekly family nights on Fridays. She was an example to anyone that really knew her. She was my friend. She was my friend.

I think it's time for me to admit that I'm having a hard time letting go. I wasn't ready, it didn't seem possible, she couldn't leave, not just yet. But after two months of a beautiful friendship, I lost her to cancer. It didn't even give us any warning... one day she was fine and the other she was nauseated with what we thought that could be the stomach flu, and then just like that, colon cancer took her preacious life in a hospital bed.

Everyday I go to work I think of her smile and can almost see her there talking to us and making us laugh. I miss her, and I don't know how to deal with a loss so great; I never lost someone so close to me. I don't know how it's done, I don't know how not to be sad, I dont know how to stop hurting. It's been almost three weeks, and I should be able to let go, or so I think. When she passed on, Suzana held me and cried with me; Nicolas said he wishes I'll never have a tummy ache. Jabus let me cry all night and tell him all about this wonderful lady. I know I need to move on and be grateful to have a family and make the most out of life; but I, too, hope that I won't have a tummy ache like that so soon in my life.

I need to let go. Could someone pease tell me how that's done?


~April~ said...

Oh Bela!! I'm so sorry! I wish I could tell you how to let go but grieving and healing take some time I'm afraid. I guess I would try to think often about the wonderful times you had together and remember that she is needed in heaven now and that she is still your friend probably forever! Write down your feelings. Speak to your bishop if you need to. I am here for you if you need to talk. Just send me an email. Love you Bela!

~ April

Amy said...

Bela, I'm so sorry you lost your friend! April gave you a lot of good advice. We miss you!

SunnyMomma said...

(((hugs))) Bela. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hillary said...

I agree with April. Rejoice over the happy times you had with your dear friend. Try not to mourn her loss, try to celebrate her life instead. She sounds like she was a very special person. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful friend.

We miss you and love you. We think about you often and hope you are doing okay. Pop in when you get a chance!


Rebecca said...

Bela, I'm so sorry!! I cannot imagine losing a best friend so quickly. I agree with April too, she gave some great advice. We miss you and love you!! **HUGS**

V said...

So sorry to hear about your friend but very happy to have found your blog. Nicolas and Suzana look so grown up. It is nice to see and "hear" what's going on with you all we miss you so much. Everytime I see the fire engine in the boys closet I think of Nicholas in there playing. I am happy that you are enjoying Portugal so much and hope that you are feeling much better soon. It is the anniversay of my Father's death this week and I try to remember all the funny things he did while he was here and think of him enjoying his eternity thus far. Give the kids a hug and kiss from me and tell Jabus hello and give him a big hug too. Love, Vanessa

Bela said...

Thank you all! There´s good days and not so good days, but life goes on. Thank you for the advice and hugs.

Vanessa, so good to hear from you! Tell everyone hi from us. Nicolas is still fascinated with fire trucks. We live near the fire station so it's a daily routine to run to the window when a siren goes on; better than watching an action movie for him!

Thank you everyone again. I'm still not in the mood for bulletin boards but I'll come back sometime! Hugs!

Goat Girl said...

That breaks my heart. Big hugs!!!

kimpope08 said...

Bela... I am so sorry for your loss! I know that you must have brought so much joy to her life, so I can imagine she'll be watching out for you from the other side!

I miss you Bela!

Millionaira said...

(((HUGS))) oh Bela, I am so sorry at your loss...the only consulation in it all is that she did not suffer...i love and miss you tons

Collectible Soul said...

It just takes some time. I don't know you. Just browsing around other people's blogs.
Anyway, you touched my heart. The pain will go away little by little.